I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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