I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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