my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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