I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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