I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
