She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
