What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We are two peas in an std pod
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
