So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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