ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So much Jack, so little girl.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
