I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
