Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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