and my herpes radar will keep us safe
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
