he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
