Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
