I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
