It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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