oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
