I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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