You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize