Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
