2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
