Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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