I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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