For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
