I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
