I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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