Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
