Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
