I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
