help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
