well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize