Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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