A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
