I looked at my own cervix.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
