Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
There r osticjed everywhere
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
