Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
