My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
