Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
