So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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