when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
