This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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