i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
