I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize