my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
