My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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