Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
