Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
