I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
