If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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