The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize