....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
