I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
