You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
