found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
