ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
