hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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