Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
