just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the room spins SO much faster in panama
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
