come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
